Friends and Money
Back in my “spend without worry” days, I spent a lot of time with my like-minded friends. We would typically go to lunch, go shopping and then catch a show or movie. I could easily drop a few hundred bucks without thinking twice. Now, although these things are still fun and I still want to spend time with my friends, I have a hard time spending the cash to keep up with those gals. Unfortunately, this means missing out on a good time with my friends.
I’ve tried in many ways to make our outings more frugal. Window shopping without buying, splitting a meal with someone else, passing on the show;I’ve tried these things and more to be a part of the fun without wreaking havoc on my budget. Sadly, this doesn’t always work. There’s the peer pressure to spend “Oh, that dress would look beautiful on you” or “You can’t miss this show it’s going to be amazing” There’s the guilt: ” We never see you anymore” ” When is the last time we went out?” And worst of all the shame: “I’ll buy your lunch” “I pick up your ticket”.
I find that most of my pre-married, pre-kids friends just don’t get it. It is not that I don’t have the money, it is that I don’t want to spend the money. Not that I don’t think their friendship is worth it, I adore these gals, it’s just that I think about all the other good things I could do with my $30 spent on dinner or my $25 spent at the movies. Sure that $80 dress makes me look 10 lbs. lighter and 3 inches taller, but how much use will I get out of it? How much is dry cleaning going to cost me? These are the things that I think about and they just don’t get it.
Even when I have a surplus of money and have no immediate “need” for it, I have a hard time allocating “fun” money. I think “Gee, this $100 could fill up the tank in my car and buy a new pair of shoes for the baby” or ” This $100 would buy enough groceries to last us a 1.5 weeks” I never think ” Hmmm, this $100 would be great to blow on dinner and a movie and perhaps a new dress” I used to think that way, but not any more. I have come too close to the financial brink and I value every penny we have too much to waste it on something I just don’t feel that “into”.
So, lately I find myself wishing I had more frugal mommy friends. I have a few, but not enough (can you ever have enough friends?). Since, placing an ad in the paper for “frugal mommy friends” seems a bit extreme-I’m asking you.
How do you handle friendships with people who have a different financial outlook than your own? Where do you go to meet like-minded people? Do you have friends that share your outlook on money? Tell me your stories, give me your advice and I can’t wait to hear everyone’s input!
Some other great articles on the topic of money and relationships you can check out:
To Change your Financial Life, you may have to Change your Friendsat The Wisdom Journal
Should you Share your Financial Information with Family?at Credit Withdrawal
Investment Recommendations for Friendsat Quest for Four Pillars
Frugality, Friendship and Feeling Left Outat Mrs. Micah
Is Financial Peer Pressure Keeping You Poor?at Millionaire Money Habits
Topics: Finance & Money, Life & Family |
March 28th, 2008
I have a lot of mommy friends around here, a few of whom always complain about being hugely in debt and having money issues but they ALWAYS want me to go out and do stuff that costs way more than I am willing to pay. I hate the guilt, I hate the feeling when someone else offers to pay because I hate that my choice not to spend money makes me look like I just don’t have any, otherwise I’d spend it, right?
It’s hard. I just keep doing what I’m doing, turn offers down a lot and try to come up with ideas of my own to see my friends. So I don’t do lunches when they ask but I invite people over here (free!), I’ve started a book club with a few of them. You get the idea.
I know it’s hard but there are ways to work through it.
March 28th, 2008
I wish I knew what to tell you, but I wanted to at least say that I feel the same way. It’s not that I can’t spend the money (although sometimes I can’t,) I just can think of “better” things to do with it. We’re redecorating our house (trying to get it out of the 1970s is more like it!) and it’s easier for me to splurge on extra money knowing it’s going toward paint or a new faucet instead of a piece of clothing or jewelry I won’t wear much!
But I feel just like you - your post described it perfectly.
If you figure out a way to find more frugal mommy friends, let us know, okay?
March 28th, 2008
I know this wasn’t really your point, but if you want to go out and enjoy those dinners a little more often, try this. Go to http://www.couponmom.com and use the link to Restaurants.com. You can get a $25 gift certificate to most restaurants for $10 and with the Couponmom.com referral, you get another 40% off that. Result, $25 gift certificate for $6. They restock the gift certificates on the 1st of the month, so that’s when you want to hit the site.
March 28th, 2008
I find it very difficult to hang out with friends that are not like minded financially. I only have about 3 friends that I can hang with and know they won’t ask me to go out to eat or pay full price for a movie or go clothes shopping at the mall.
The friends with different values in this area also make me feel guilty for always saying no to a dinner or movie out.
I’m still friends with them, we just don’t get together that much.
After all that, I am totally o.k. with having only 3 friends to hang with. I would much rather have a small circle of close friends than a large circle of acquaintances.
March 28th, 2008
I know your situation. I used to go out and spend with my friends but I realized after a while that I couldn’t keep up and get out of debt. I found I had to ration my time. I could maybe go out for sushi once a month. After that no more big meals for a while. Sometimes you just have to tell friends you can’t afford their plans now.
March 28th, 2008
I know EXACTLY how you feel — I’ll be one of your frugal mommy friends! I work, and when I do get invited to hang with my mommy groups, it’s always for “a trip to the playplace ($8 bucks per kid, I have 2) and then lunch at a nice restaurant afterwards.” I hate to turn down opportunities to socialize for both me and my kids, but I just can’t blow an easy fifty bucks in an afternoon like that.
Unfortunately, I’m in the same boat as you. I’ve blown off my non-mommy friends enough now that they don’t bother asking me if I can make it to a last-minute movie screening or out to dinner and drinks. Let me know if you come up with any ideas!
March 28th, 2008
That would be nice. Right now I’m in that weird just-left-college-and-getting-started phase. It helps because people don’t expect us to spend much money. But then we don’t have many friends in the area either. Some…just not many.
March 29th, 2008
I think it’s kind of like a support group. If you’re not with people that have ‘been-there, done-that’ then they don’t quite ‘get’ what you’re getting.
It’s sad, but people change and friendships wither and die because of it. The only suggestion is to look around for new friends groups, which you’re already doing.
One possibility is to take a look at the evening/free classes at the local community college. Usually there’s a HUGE list of strange, off-the-wall classes (coupon shopping, breadmaking, etc) that are semi-frugal in nature. Those kind of classes might be a good way to come across like-minded people.
Also, thanks for the link back to my article!
March 29th, 2008
Once a month, my mom’s group plans a Mom’s Night Out. We usually meet at a restaurant for dinner, and stick around for a couple/few hours afterward talking like girls! Given our family’s current state of unemployment, I have a tendency to eat dinner at home and show up late for MNO. There’s always water at the table, or maybe I’ll have coffee. I get a great evening with the girls for a couple of bucks or less.
Another alternative I’ve found is to host “Girl’s Night” at my house. We center it around a movie or TV show, and everybody brings a snack to share. We end up talking well into the night, and it doesn’t cost any more than a couple of bottles of wine (which we already have a lot of on hand).
March 30th, 2008
It is not that I don’t have the money, it is that I don’t want to spend the money.
Amen.
I am in your shoes, too.
Some friends were doing GNO’s or birthday’s, and I just didn’t want to go out and pay not only for my dinner but 1/4 of the birthday person’s dinner. On my birthday I asked to do a GTG at someone’s house instead, and it was 10 times more fun than any restaurant we’d gone to before.
I have one like-minded friend, and often we’ll get together at each other’s houses and each contribute something for dinner. We love the game Rummikub, so we’ll play that while the kids play and our husbands watch the boob tube.
Soooo much cheaper than going out!
March 31st, 2008
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April 2nd, 2008
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April 7th, 2008
My husband and I like going out on the weekends, but we have a goal of buying a house this year. We don’t want to be spending willy-nilly but we still want to have fun. So we find ways to be frugal in other areas. One way to do this is to have what we call “Cooking Day”. A frugal friend of mine got us into this. We bought this book called “Frozen Assets: Cook for a Day Eat for a Month” (Deborah Taylor-Hough) which basically teaches you how to 1) buy in bulk, 2) prep with the intention of freezing, 3) use EVERYTHING you buy (so no waste!). Then we package it all in lunch sized portions. So our lunches for a month are paid for. We also prep a bunch of stuff for the month for dinners during the week. You wind up dropping some serious coin on cooking day, but what you save through the month is incredible. Plus, the rest of the month, your evenings are free - no cooking, very little cleanup. We’ve turned this into a social thing as well. Three or four friends come over to our place, we split the cost of groceries, then share the cooking/prep chores. We get to hang out and gab with friends and it saves everybody money.
April 7th, 2008
Greta-
That is a really great idea. I have thought about doing that in the past, but haven’t found the time to do it. I may give it a try. I sure would love to just take something out of the freezer for dinner, even it was just a few nights a week. I’ll have to look into this more!
Thanks for the ideas!
Take Care
LJ
April 22nd, 2008
I don’t think placing an ad is extreme at all. At different points in my life I’ve had different social needs…and it wasn’t always easy to fill them with the people in my life at that time. I don’t want to expect any one person to be all things. For example, I have a car and love adventurous daytrips, but for several years had no one who wanted to do that type of thing. I had friends for movies or dinners or shopping (before I became frugal), but not for adventures. So I went to a community center that had classes and people I thought might be similar to me and hung up and ad. I had 60 people get on a mailing list and once every three weeks I sent out an email with a proposed daytrip. No cost, pay your own way, split on gas. They didn’t have cars, which I had, and I didn’t have anyone to go with. So I proposed a trip and almost always had a full car with a bunch of interesting and fun women. I don’t know any reason why you couldn’t do something similar for mommies who want to get together and have coffee or go to the park or whatever. Just make up a fun little itinerary that amounts to a very frugal day (or afternoon, or evening)…plan it out in advance…and see who comes. I met with most for coffee beforehand to check that they were ok and never had a problem. I’ll bet you’ll find a lot of people who would enjoy some fun but who don’t want to spend any money or have to hire a sitter.